Post Christmas Sails

**Contains graphic descriptions of cesarean section and birth trauma. If you’re pregnant or have suffered birth trauma, please read this at your own discretion. It may cause triggers for you**

Also please visit my welcome page, where I have listed some organisations who can help you seek treatment for PND, PTSD and birth trauma.

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Mental illness has for me, been rather like being on a boat. There are days where I’m awesome and the wind and currents are in my favour and I’m proverbially, smooth sailing. Then others are shit and the seas are treacherous and my ferry is being flung around like a dinghy in a cyclone.

My flashbacks are still happening. I don’t think they’ll ever stop. I’m angry. Really angry. I don’t trust anyone. How could I ever trust anyone ever again, when at my most vulnerable, I was let down in the worst way possible.

Violated.

I’m seeing the same scene over and over again. My arms being pinned down and heart monitors bing placed on my chest. The feeling of catheter going in. The searing pain of the baby being pulled out. My scream. Then the silence. The silence of them knowing it had gone wrong, but if they ignore it, it will be ok. Then being alone to watch my operation. Nobody was there to comfort me. Business as usual. Just another day, another machine on the production line. I held onto the poles with my hands so tight. I was terrified. I’m still terrified. I’m so tired of being scared all the time.

I visited my beautiful friend and her perfect newborn daughter yesterday. I cradled that little girl against me as she snuggled and slept. She too had a terrible time birthing her, however is already talking of number two. She looks at her daughter with such love and infatuation. It pains me to say it, but I’m so jealous. I never had that. I love my girl, I look at her and think my heart could just burst. Now. Not at six days old. I’m so thrilled for my beautiful friend and her family. I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on anyone.

So I’m back to angry. I’m angry that those feelings were taken away from us. I’m angry that I’ll be starting a new year still in the shadow of what happened. I’m sick of living my life on hold. Their negligence has stopped me living my life the way I planned.

Maybe one day, I’ll be ok. I still wonder how I could ever forget. I wonder how I can go back to the day before. To the hour before. To the time where I didn’t know what my internal organs looked like. Before I knew how it felt to have my baby cut out of my abdomen. I tell my parents and my husband that I’m “99% better” which gives them comfort. It’s a lie. I’m not 99% better. The smile on my face pays lip service to their wishes that I’m ok. It gives them comfort that I’m not a river in flood, just waiting for one torrential downpour to break my banks.

Maybe one day.

Maybe one day.

As I look at the morning sky
Today the wind is blowing hard
See that bird is floating high
Pretty soon it will be tired
I spent a day all by myself
A rich man without his wealth
Sometimes I get it wrong
But I’m not the only one

The afternoon was very clear
The sun was beating down on me
I got thirsty for a beer
That I had to go to sea
The sea was very rough
It made me feel sick
But I like that kind of stuff
It beats arithmetic

I don’t want the world to change
I like the way it is
Just give me one more wish
I can’t get enough of this
When it gets to be alive
And not just still survive
To hit and not to miss
I can’t get enough of this

The early evening mists
Look beautiful to me
Was sweeter than a kiss
I wish you all could see
I’m a long long way from home
But this photograph of you
Even though it’s monochrome
Tells me what I should do
So I got up on my feet
I knew it would be alright
For my clothes were looking beat
In the middle of the night

I don’t want the world to change
I like the way it is
Just give me one more wish
I can’t get enough of this
When it gets to be alive
And not just still survive
To hit and not to miss
I can’t get enough of this

I don’t want the world to change
I like the way it is
Just give me one more wish
I can’t get enough of this
When it gets to be alive
And not just still survive
To hit and not to miss
I can’t get enough of this

I can’t get enough of this
I can’t get enough of this
I can’t get enough of this
I can’t get enough of this
I can’t get enough of this

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