Sometimes the internet makes me feel so bad about myself, that I have to step away and recharge my batteries.
In the last few weeks, well since before Christmas actually, my flashbacks have been making a comeback and I’m punishing myself by not making the time to do something about it. I’m making excuses, “it’s Christmas/New Year, nobody is working”, “I’m too busy with work”, “I know what they’ll say to me, I just have to work through the motions”, etc.
Without trying, the triggers seem to find me. I see VBAC on Twitter. Someone on Facebook has a baby, “Born via emergency caesar, so thrilled she’s here”. When I’m showering, I see my scar. When I drive past the hospital. If somebody mentions the hospital. When I’m asked about when I’m having another baby.
Still brings me back to how I’m supposed to avoid triggers, when they’re everywhere?
The Internet, by and large has been my biggest support network, so I’m cautious to back away entirely. I need it and its wonderful people. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Dr Google is a menace, opinions of the ignorant cause me more harm than good. I try to see the absolute good in everyone and try to see their opinions and words of advice come from a good place. Just sometimes, my brain is that far gone and in such a bad place, I can only see the negative.
Today, my disgusting brain actually thought that women who go back for another pregnancy, mustn’t be that bad because even though they’re fighting for a VBAC, if they were really that scared or angry, they wouldn’t be getting pregnant again.
What the hell, Clair?
How can I minimise someone else’s thoughts and feelings like that? How dare I minimise them? How on earth do I have the right (or nerve) to question their issues?
Especially when this blog is all about crying out for help and trying to sort out what’s going on in my own head, while inviting other parents to share what’s going on with them and their story.
I know I’m messed up. I’m going to go back to the GP in the next couple of weeks to make another appointment with a psychologist. I know it’s an excuse, but I am busy with work, I’m not avoiding the doctor by just saying I’m working a lot.
On the plus side, me & Missy are doing really well. I love her to bits. I apologised to her. I told her how sorry I am. She may not have any idea of what’s happening, but it did make me feel better.
I hope you are well.
Until next time,