From the Outside Looking In

I am a changed woman. What I saw and what I felt has inexplicably changed me. I feel like I’m in a million pieces some days. Some days I’m so livid with white hot anger that I couldn’t possibly entertain the notion of keeping it together. Sarah says that I will get better. She says perseverance will pay off. I want to believe her. My memory though, I can’t unsee. Can people tell? When I walk around, can those who see me know that I have had this happen? Have I got a tattoo on my forehead that says “birth trauma”?

When I was a little girl, I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents, my mother’s mum and dad. When I was about ten years old, after being at a family picnic all day, I returned home with them to stay the night. Upon our arrival home we discovered the house had been robbed. It was terrifying. I lived with the anxiety of this for years to come afterward. Adapting into my life a ‘perimeter’ check on the house before entering. I’m sure you can imagine what it was like when my current home was broken into then. I’m still not able to totally relax when I’m not home. It’s always in the back of my mind that maybe today is that day that I return home to find someone has violated my sanctity.

I guess what I’m saying is that I have grown so used to living my life in fear, that anxiety has become a normal part of my being. How can I really expect to recover when I can’t forget the memory of what I saw? I can’t change the past.

This “violating of sanctity” is exactly what happened to me the day my daughter was born. I signed a consent form, I knew the risks of the spinal not working properly, I as a nurse, most certainly knew what I was up for in a cesarean section. What I cannot entertain is what I saw and why I was subjected to it. Why the theatre staff moved the screen away. Why when I screamed they went quiet and did nothing. I should have been put under a general. Where was my advocate? Where was my care provider? Why did they allow it to happen? As a nurse I’m always making sure my patient is given the best care available. Why was I not afforded the same?

That day put my life on hold. That day should have been the most wonderful of mine and my husbands lives. However in a way, time has stood still since. The trauma of it all has really just been such a cross to bear and my poor brain has decided that enough is enough.

I want to feel as though the eyes of the world are no longer on me. I don’t want to be that poor woman who went through that terrible thing.

Until next time dear friends xx


7 thoughts on “From the Outside Looking In

  1. As time passes, with a little help these feelings will lessen. Once in a while the ugly head of fear will pop up but it does pass. Be thankful that you have gotten help and that you can still work as hard as it is.

    Sorry you had to go through all of that.

  2. Sorry you had to go through that. With the help of Sarah you will be able to work past it but it does take time. Although my issues are not triggered for the same reasons I have been able to find some peace over the years.

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