Angry at The Lurking Beast

I had my fourth appointment with the every amazing Sarah today. Unlike last week where I came home and had intense and constant flashbacks for 48 hours, today I’m just a huge ball of fury. Mind you, what’s not helping is that it’s ‘that time of the month’. Those tampon commercials lie. I’ve never felt like riding a horse on the beach, I’m more inclined to want to take a bucket of chocolate ice cream to bed and to watch Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman, wearing my flanny pyjamas.

Anyway, we are not talking about periods. Or ‘Shark Week’, as my gorgeous friend calls it. Or sadly, we’re not even discussing how Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman are wonderful complimentary therapies to chocolate ice cream and flanny pyjamas. We’re talking about how damn angry I am and how my constant state of anger is actually holding me back from healing.

When Sarah suggested that to me today, it was like a light flicked and I was all “YES! I am really really fucking angry!” In fact, it would be correct to suggest that I’m so angry, that I want to march on down to the hospital and punch that anaesthetist square in the mouth. I won’t though. I’m not an animal.

So we talked about why I’m angry. I’m angry because the day my daughter was born, my life changed forever and not all for the better. I’m angry because my relationships have been affected negatively. I’m angry because I felt I had to quit my job. I’m angry because now I’m so stressed and anxious I can’t physically nurse patients. I’m angry because I had to see my surgery. I’m angry because I wasn’t cared for properly afterward.

What I’m most angry about, is because I’m constantly scared. I’m so fearful of having another baby, that I may not have any more children.

I actually liked being pregnant. Sure, the morning all day sickness, the migraines, the fluid retention, the varicose veins, the stretch marks, the cankles, the foot wedged in my diaphragm for ten weeks, yadda yadda yadda… All of that pales insignificance when it comes to actually being pregnant. The wonderful swishes of the growing baby. The gentle kicks and shuffles. The beautiful feeling, knowing that inside you is a little person made completely and totally out of love. It really is wonderful.

So why would I want to deny myself that opportunity again?

Maybe because of the way Version 2.0 would make their entrance into the world. Could I be sure that I wouldn’t need another cesarean? My obstetrician assures me that if Missy hadn’t have been stuck, I could have birthed her vaginally. She was only 3.6kg (or 8lbs 1oz for our imperial friends). Had she not been born at 41+4 weeks, she’d have certainly been smaller. How will I know though that my next care provider would be supportive of VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). What if they are a blanket “no” when it comes to the day? How will I know that the next baby will be in the correct position? I’m pretty positive that having had no VB previously, no hospital would ‘allow’ me to attempt labour on a breech baby, for example. Or another baby posterior and unable to engage, like Missy.

I have so much to be angry for. Look at what’s holding me back as a result of that day. Sarah says that I need to let go of the anger in order to accept what happened and move on. Which I agree, I’m not interested in legal proceedings. I don’t want to keep living my life like this. I don’t want to keep impacting on my husband and my daughter the way I am. I want to be happy. Really happy. I want to stop being so angry.

I’m nearly there with posting my birth story. Maybe in a few weeks time. It’s written. I just don’t know if I’m ready to share it with the world yet.

I wish I had a button to switch off the anger.

Until next time xx

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5 thoughts on “Angry at The Lurking Beast

  1. Wow
    Sarah sounds like an amazing person to help you discover the anger. Do you feel just a bit better for getting it a little bit out?

    Not my place to ask but I was wondering if you sent a letter of complaint to the hospital after it happened.

    Part of my issues is I “swallow” my anger. So I suck at expressing or evening feeling it when I should.

  2. You’re entitled to be angry.
    The feeling of being pregnant is something that can’t be described and the experience of giving birth should the same.
    I feel somewhat guilty reading your story because I have incredible stories to tell but this makes me angry for you too.
    Maybe you should follow through on this clown. Maybe preventing this from happening to someone else will help you to heal.
    I am so sorry.

  3. Admitting your anger is the first step. Verbalizing exactly why you’re angry is the next. It seems like you’re making progress.

    I’m not sure of your exact birth story, but I can piece it together from things you’ve said. It sounds like you have every right to be angry.

    The next step would probably be figuring out a healthy way to work through your anger, to focus your anger. Maybe just writing about it here will help, maybe you need to write letters to those involved explaining how they affected you (you don’t necessarily have to send them), or maybe you just need to ‘wait it out.’

    Whatever it is, it’ll take time, but you’ll get there. No one should ever have to go through what you went through. We’re all here to support you in any way you need ❤

  4. Thanks 🙂 It was like a lightbulb got switched on my my psych said to me “you’re so angry”. I hadn’t really given it much thought. We still have a fair way to go, but I’m feeling stronger as the days go by. Starting this blog and seeing her has been an absolute Godsend.

  5. Be angry, be VERY angry! But then as the wonderful comments above also say, work towards a way to overcome that anger is a safe way. We have much in common, I too have felt this anger however mine was also paired with immeasurable guilt. I still can’t write about it all and am hoping one day to find the strength (it’s already been 18 months!). Keep moving forward, you are amazing and most definitely inspiring. Go forth and conquer! xx

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