I’m So Tired

I’m stuck in this funk still from yesterday. I’m so angry and so frustrated. I don’t know what to do. I feel depressed, but my depression isn’t organic, it’s reactionary to my trauma and anger that makes me feel sad. This I know and understand. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

I’m sick of making sure other people are ok. I’m sick of trying to minimise my pain for the benefit of others. I keep having flashbacks. They’ve now been constant since last night.

I’m so tired of running. I’m so tired of keeping everything together on the outside, when inside I’m a million pieces. My glue isn’t working anymore. My tough exterior is starting to crack. The tears I’m crying are soaking through all of my tissues and I’m at a loss of how to stop.

I wish yesterday never happened. My psychologist says to minimise my exposure to known triggers. I didn’t see yesterday coming. I didn’t know that I’d be lambasted with that conversation. So do I have to stop associating with my friends now? Cut myself off from the people I like to reduce my exposure?

I’ve already lost so much. I don’t want to lose anymore.

This Beast is a nightmare. One that I can’t wake up from. One that keeps nipping at my heels. One that keeps barking at my door. I want to be strong and fight him off, but he’s so much more powerful than me. He fights me because he wants me left with Nothing.

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I’m sharing this post with PANDA for PND awareness week 2012. #bePNDaware

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9 thoughts on “I’m So Tired

  1. Aww hon. You don’t have to stop seeing your friends, but maybe give them a heads-up about what triggered you so they’re more mindful, or are understanding if you need to leave right away. Don’t hesitate to walk away, even from friends. If they’re good friends, they will understand and try to help you minimise those exposures to triggers too. But you will have to let them know.

    Or maybe just spend time with those who know and understand for the time being, then when you’re feeling stronger and the … what’s a good word? Not “relapse”… ARGH BRAIN STUCK! … when the triggers become less frequent, that’s it! That’s what I’m trying to say! Ahem. When the triggers become less frequent, you’ll be able to gradually start adding things — including certain people — to things you can deal with without feeling like you’re falling apart.

    It takes time, so allow yourself time. That’s such a hard thing to deal with: time. Because for one or two days we feel stronger, then we’re bewildered when we’re suddenly triggered again and feel like we’re “falling apart”. It will feel like a case of “two steps forward, one step back” for some time yet. So that’s all I will say with certainty: give yourself time. As that stupid shampoo ad used to say, “It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen” *come hither smile*

    As always, you know where to find me if you need to talk. xo

  2. I felt the way u did 6 and 11 years ago…take one day at a time and do what is good for YOU! Make yourself the #1 priority. I know it is hard but the saying ” a happy mum = a happy bub” is very true. sendng positive energy your way x

  3. Pingback: Run, Run, Run! « Evie Meeny Miney Mo

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