Alone on the Island with Thousands of Others

**Contains details of my birth which may cause triggers for birth trauma**

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Today I read a very honest blog from another mama who is hurting.

She then was getting absolutely crucified by another bunch of mothers on the internet because they disagreed with her feelings and thoughts.

For me, my blog is about me and nobody else. I post in the hope that another mother (or father) who is hurting, may feel they relate to me and know they’re not alone. This is why I also post links to organisations that can help in the recovery and healing from PND/PPD, AND and PTSD relating to birth trauma.

Please don’t isolate parents (or anyone) for experiencing trauma. A person who is in a plane crash or sees war, would never be told to snap out of it. ‘Snapping out of it’ is absolutely no where near as easy as one may think.

Distress is distress, no matter the cause.

I feel I need to make clear that I don’t blame my obstetrician. I know that in my case, I’m one of the small percentage of women who have a spinal anaesthesia that doesn’t work properly or as effectively as it may work on another person.

Just because I can’t blame him and I don’t want to blame him, doesn’t mean I’m not angry or traumatised that it happened. He doesn’t know that I could also see my surgery. Some may say I should have spoken up. In that situation on that day, I couldn’t speak. I was in shock and in silence. I’m pretty sure he’d be horrified if he knew, because he’s a decent and wonderful man.

It had been ten years since I as a student nurse had witnessed a Caesarean section, so I’m not remembering that ladies surgery when I think of mine. I’m remembering in vivid colour seeing my legs splayed and seeing my insides. I’m remembering with vivid detail, the catheter being inserted and the vivid sensation of the betadine being rubbed on my belly. The fear I felt when isolated after the baby was born and taken away, while everyone was celebrating, I was left alone to watch my surgery, strapped to the operating table. Not even the theatre nurse was there to talk to.

My blog is my voice. Just like another persons blog is theirs.

You may disagree, but please have the decency to understand. Please have the empathy to know that even though you don’t think it’s a traumatising event, that person is very obviously traumatised by what happened, no matter the event.

I’m still not on Facebook (except for my page for this blog). Having a hiatus away from the birth notices and the countdowns to delivery, is just what I needed to keep The Beast at bay.

Until next time xx

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Run, Run, Run!

Seven days out from starting the 12 Week Body Transformation.

Seven Days!

I’m very excited. This lifestyle change has been a long time coming. While metaphorically I want to run from The Beast, I’m actually getting fit to fight The Beast head on. I’ve already lost some weight since the beginning of January, by just changing my diet and exercising three to four times per week. I’m wearing a pair of shorts today, that a month ago were uncomfortably tight around my thighs. They’re not loose today, but they’re definitely fitting me much better than they were.

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This is Tiffiny, my treadmill. Named after Tiffiny Hall who used to be the White Team’s trainer on The Biggest Loser (Australia). I’ve got two of her books and as a trainer, her words really resonate with me. What I like about her (and Michelle Bridges too) is that she knows that it’s not just about diet and exercise. It’s getting your mental state in the zone. Being focused.

One thing I’ve really liked so far about the 12 WBT, is the ‘pre season tasks’. these have really helped me prepare and focus on the main event. I watched Michelle Bridges’ video this week for task 7, The Fitness Test. I haven’t had time to do it yet, but I know that I’m a beginner in every sense. Running just 100m on my treadmill makes me want to keel over and die. I’m also pretty poor with my core body strength. Lifting and moving heavy objects I’m good at, but that is thanks to my nursing work and moving very heavy patients and their beds etc.

One of my earliest tasks is to invest in a decent pair of trainers. The ones I have now give me no support and I end up with shin splints.

Running Tips For Beginners

So here’s to the next six days. JFDI!

Edit 5/2/13: I just had to add this… I weighed in this morning (normally on Wednesday mornings, but I won’t get time tomorrow before work) and I’ve lost another 500gm! I’m down from starting weight of 79kg to 77.6kg. My hard work is paying off. Feels so so good!

Giving Birth During a Cyclone

This mother’s story is horrifying. Contains lots of triggers- birth trauma and also natural disaster triggers. It’s seriously a must read though, her story needs to be shared.

True Writes

*This is very long and personal post about my daughter’s birth. But I’m sick to death of only hearing the ‘good’ stories while mine goes untold*

February 1st is my daughter’s second birthday. A milestone that five or six years ago seemed completely impossible, yet it’s not a milestone I’m not yet able to embrace without still reeling from the trauma of her birth.

I should be delighted in the fact that my beautiful, intelligent, independent, happy and fearless little girl is growing up into an amazing child. Every day she does something that makes me think, “holy shit, this kid is awesome”. And while I do feel that, I still feel pain. I feel angry that I was cheated of the first few days of her life, I feel angry that after two years I still have yet to regain my abdominal strength, I’m angry that after two…

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