The last month or so has been a total non-event in terms of training for me. And I’ve felt guilty. I have really wanted to just go for a run however there have quite literally been road blocks in the way every which way I’ve turned. Last weekend, my husband, Miss and I headed up to Katoomba to hike and get some fresh air and sunshine, but by the time we got there, it was pouring with rain. So instead, we had laksa for lunch at the RSL, then got stuck in epic holiday traffic trying to get back into Sydney.
Work. Ah work. Marking assignments has just about made me give up the will to live. Marking until 2am, lesson plans, cross-marking, uploading attendance, answering emails, blah blah blah. Ugh. Seriously, ugh. I have loved teaching so much, but the stress has really gotten to me. I’ve been so drained at the end of the day, going for a jog has been the furthest thing on my mind (behind getting work finished, parenting my daughter etc).
How on earth can the students make such silly mistakes?! So frustrating. Today I cross marked one where they didn’t even staple the pages in the chronological order they stipulated on their page numbers! Blown away. Yep, I agreed they were a fail grade too.
So today after the meeting, I got home and loaded Missy into the pram and we headed out for the first time in weeks. We did 5.3km and felt every metre. It felt so nice to be out in the sunshine. The winter sun is desperately trying to warm us up, but the mountain winds manage to keep everything quite cool.
So anyway, because of marking, I have not had any inspiration to exercise. Also because my sister in law’s wedding has been and gone, I no longer had a goal to meet. I have surpassed my weight loss goal that I set in January and I plateaued in my head. I think that’s worse than plateauing in a physical sense because that little voice at the back of my brain gets louder and louder.
“Do it tomorrow”
“Just get pizza for dinner”
“Fuck it, I’m too tired”
So last week, I skipped weigh in (sorry Mish) and I’ll probably skip tomorrow too, simply because I don’t think it’s worthwhile to weigh in when I haven’t been doing the programme. I did weigh myself today though and it was after I’d eaten breakfast and lunch and even though I had myself convinced I’d gained heaps of weight, I’m only a kilogram up on what I was three weeks ago. So that in itself I’m ok with. It actually helped spur me on to get outside for a walk/jog because now I’m working toward getting down under what I was three weeks ago.
All in all, my whole attitude has changed. I’m living as healthy as I can, not restricting myself, just making much better choices. Maintaining my lifestyle now, finding balance. It’s like I had an epiphany. After a month of feeling totally over it and completely disinterested, I’ve finally switched on and things are falling into place.
I look at myself in the mirror and I’m not happy with what I see. I still see 82kg me, not 69kg me. I’m not sure if I will ever see the real me. My self esteem took an absolute bollocking and I’m still recovering from that. Also possibly what’s helping is I’ve had just about no flashbacks, nothing decent anyway, in well over a week now. So I’m either recovering really well and I’m ok now, or I’m going to crash completely and end up back where I was. Mental illness is awesome.
What is also spurring me along is this:
My City to Surf bib! It’s getting really real now.
Anyway, I’m off. It’s nearly midnight and I’m working in the morning. Have a great day/night, wherever you are.