In This Skin

This week, something switched on in my brain and I’ve gotten more active. I’m running more, I’m eating better, I’m actively seeking fewer numbers on the scale. If I lose another 6 kilograms by Christmas, I’ll have lost 20 kilograms this year (that’s 44 pounds for my imperial buddies north of the equator). Currently I’m 2 kilograms off a BMI of 25. I’m so close to it, I can almost touch it.

Sadly though, my brain is not seeing the changes anymore. I look at my belly and I only see the big round ball the protrudes out. I only see the thunder-thighs that slap together in horrible wobble-like fashion. The cellulite that dimples on my legs like cottage cheese congealing in the sun.

It’s not fair. I know I’m not a super-model and never will be. Frankly, I do not want to be like those waif women who need to wear a padded bra or tights under their jeans for curves. So why can’t I look at myself and not be disgusted? Why do I only see my ‘imperfections’. I saw a video of myself the other day from when Missy was about 12 months old. I was huge. Enormous. My breasts were over filling the singlet top. My clavicles were well hidden under a good layer of adipose tissue. My ankles had and extra serving of ankle and my chins were deep in conversation with each other.

When I compare myself to that version of me, I can see the changes. However when I stand in front of the mirror in the morning while getting dressed, all I see are the things that still need improving. The bits that I still don’t like (let alone love). I forget that I was a lot bigger and I’ve already done so much work to get to here. I know in my head that I’m proud of what I have achieved, but I can’t translate that pride to being happy in my own skin.


3 thoughts on “In This Skin

  1. Oh man. I have the same problem! Over the past few years, I’ve lost 80lbs, yet I still feel fat and gross. I’d love to lose 40 more, but people think I’m crazy when I tell them that… like they can’t see all the fat I carry around with me! Just remember that you’re beautiful and we’re usually our worst critics. No one else looks at you and thinks you need to lose weight… they look at you and think you’re awesome.

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