Still Fighting It

I will remember the good things that happened today and I will fight with every cell in my body The Beast who is lurking, nipping at my heels.

I worked today. In Emergency. With real, live patients. Patients who needed medical procedures. One even needed a catheter (no, I didn’t do it because I work with seriously wonderful people). I was fighting from the start of my shift.

it’s been so long since I nursed because I haven’t been well…

My team leader (also a trusted friend) learned for the first time why I stopped nursing. (Stop. Hammertime). She was cool. Didn’t dwell on it, just was like “Shit that’s awful, yeah we’ll do your catheters today”. Sweet.

Patient with chest pain. Patient with an infection. Bam! Catheter time. So while that was happening, I admitted the patient with the allergy. Team nursing worked well. Even the pregnant lady was all good for me.

What wasn’t cool was the colleague who came on shift late in the day (to carry on the next shift) who took it upon herself to tell me that I just needed to “stop thinking about it and be grateful you have a baby who’s healthy”.

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Oh my god. I cannot stop recalling what she said next. Because “yeah you had an awful time didn’t you? But…

“You just need to think more positively because your baby is alive and healthy and you’re healthy and you just need to get over it.

Blame the victim. Bravo.

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So I immediately reached out to Twitter because ANGRY. Really fucking angry. And my goodness you guys. I love you all, so so much.

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Honestly. You all are simply the best. I feel like you all spread your wings to protect me like a mother duck does to shelter her ducklings from the rain.

I’m doing exactly what my Psychologist has advised me. Look for the positive. Which of course we all know is very different to just thinking positively. Remember the burned out forest with the new growth? That’s what I’m channelling this afternoon because it’s a really shitty thing to be blamed when it wasn’t my fault. So I’m cheering that I had a good day. I had not put a cannula in a patient in well over a year. Well, I did it three times today and did not miss once. Which I absolutely thought I would. I also only had to look at MIMS once to remind myself about a medication because I wasn’t certain that I had remembered correctly it’s generic name (turned out I had and I need to trust myself). Even cleaning up the confused old lady who had gotten poo everywhere wasn’t bad. She just needed some compassion because I am pretty sure that if she had been aware of what happened she would have been distraught. As anyone would.

I spent all day literally on edge looking for triggers to avoid and protecting myself. Ultimately it wasn’t my patients who let me down, but I’m totally exhausted from fighting all day against my brain. I’m now having a well deserved glass of wine while I blog about it all. Looking forward to my day off tomorrow. Missy and I will paint our nails and go for a good walk. Maybe to the park. We might go and see if there are any ducks in the pond.

Either way tomorrow is going to be all about just enjoying myself. Then Tuesday I’m back to see my Magic Brain Lady and talk about today. Sort it out in my head, grow stronger. Learn from it.

I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Creeping in the streetlight
Holding my hand in the pale gloom
Can you see it coming now?

Thank you xx just reading this helps

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