Recurring Dream

Beauty awakens the soul to act.
Dante Alighieri

That photo, was taken either by myself or my husband, I can’t remember, on a beach in Hokitika on New Zealand’s South Island on April 13, 2008. The last night of our honeymoon. We had been married just shy of two weeks and were preparing to drive across the island to Christchurch the following day to go home.

It’s been a mixed bag the last few weeks. Lowlights and highlights, all mixed together in one frantic month where I have been so busy I didn’t even know where to begin some days. That awful dream I had the other week is still playing on my mind and I’m still to a degree, fearful of sleeping.

Life plays on my mind. The anxiety of the unknown future. The memory of the known past. The failure of the Stop! technique on most occasions. Being so busy I had to cancel my most recent psychologists appointment. Yes health is meant to be a priority, but realistically how can it be when I’m meant to be in a few places at once?

Massive highlight: seeing Neil Finn (oh he of Crowded House and Split Enz fame) at the Sydney Opera House again. I saw him in concert there this time last year too and blogged about it here.

Last year I felt a mix of sadness while listening to the music, as I paused to reflect on the year that was. This year I was jubilant.

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Sitting on the third row allowed me to take some amazing photographs

He sang songs off his new album and also crowd favourites. I sat back and allowed myself to get lost in the music. Closing my eyes, I heard the lyrics with my soul, not just my ears. It felt good to just live. Putting my recent relapse of PTSD on ice for a couple of hours.

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There’s a line in the movie Almost Famous and it fairly much sums up Neil’s music for me.

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Source

Massive highlight was when Jimmy Barnes (oh he of Cold Chisel fame) appeared on stage to sing I’m A Little Teapot and stayed on stage and sang backing vocals to Better Be Home Soon.

Instead of feeling like I had been missing out on the best things life had to offer, I felt as though I was grabbing life by the horns and loving every moment. I allowed myself to enjoy it, instead of feeling so sad as I have in the past, when given the opportunity to let my hair down. The guilt I experienced at last years concert was absolutely non-existent this year.

Afterward, my dear friend and I strolled along the Harbour at Circular Quay. I took the obligatory black and white photos of the Bridge, Opera House and skyline. We walked along George St back to our hotel, soaking it all in. Drunken people partying. Homeless people sleeping. Hospitality people working. City of Sydney workers keeping the streets clean and safe. Police cars with sirens on screaming as they try to manouver their way through traffic jams of hotted up cars and taxis. People alive with life. The atmosphere electric.

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If this is what it means to find beauty in life, then I will keep doing it whenever I can.

I hope you’re having a great week.

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Recurring Dream, Crowded House

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Even When I’m Sleeping

Documenting another shitty night. I had a really graphic dream. Really graphic. Then I couldn’t sleep properly afterward. Then my daughter climbed into bed with me and I couldn’t physically sleep properly because she was keeping me on the edge of the mattress.

Blogging isn’t helping anymore, it’s why I haven’t been around. I’m not finding it therapeutic and I don’t even want to write about it anymore. The same words ending up on the screen. It’s repetitious and boring. I don’t even want to talk about it to my friends or my family. I’m so bored with myself, surely they must be too.

The sheer exposure. I feel so naked and vulnerable. So I’ve hidden my older posts away from the big bad world. Yet here I am still in the grip of flashbacks and triggers.

I had to cancel my psych appointment for this Tuesday because of work, which I know was a mistake, but what am I supposed to do? I can’t be so unreliable to my manager. So my next appointment is now April 24. That is over a month away. The truth is, I don’t feel the same positivity at the end of the session anymore. It’s not a bad thing, just what is happening. Do I get to the point where even my psych isn’t helping anymore? Is this normal? Am I destined to suffer permanently from the scars of the past? I try so hard to move forward but when my thoughts invade my sleep I can’t escape. I can’t Stop! while I’m sleeping. Only beg my subconscious to wake me up.

I’m tired. I need to sleep. Hopefully tonight.

Rough Day

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Rough day. However it’s all been written about before, word for word. Stop! Flashbacks. Panic! Anxiety. Stop! Flashback.

Even I am bored with it. Need new subject matter, one which doesn’t involve that day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So wine. I take comfort in.

Comfortably numb.

It’s Raining!

I have been in a bad headspace lately. PTSD is still happening and I’ve been using the Stop! technique at least a few times per day. However I’ve also been not really helping myself out of it because I’m essentially a lazy person.

This weekend my husband is off in my car (Ted can carry heavy loads whereas his 1974 Leyland Mini Clubman can’t) working on a project so I’m at home with Missy minus my vehicle. We needed groceries yesterday but it was raining really heavily for most of the day. Considering we’re 2.5km from the nearest shopping centre, I figured it was too risky to go in the heavy rain, then last night when my husband came home I had spent much of the day cleaning so I had a glass of wine and then couldn’t drive.

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Having a giggle over this description. I would say “Tastes like red, will get you drunk”. In all seriousness though this is a really lovely wine.

So the plan was today to load Missy into the pram and hit the pavement. Then at 10am it started to rain. So I waited and the rain did clear a little so I decided we’d go anyway.

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We found some ducks playing in the storm water drain next to the pub

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Missy liked the ducks “Wook mummy! Ducks! Quack quack”

So the TL:DR version of this is, I got very wet. Missy didn’t as she was nice and protected under her rain cover.

On the positive side is that I walked 4.5km (not including the three laps of the shopping centre) so I’m back on the clock for March trying to get back to some level of fitness. My right hip is sore though, so I’m going to have to watch that so I don’t cause a serious injury for my next run.

I hope you’re having a great weekend wherever you are xx

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