Documenting another shitty night. I had a really graphic dream. Really graphic. Then I couldn’t sleep properly afterward. Then my daughter climbed into bed with me and I couldn’t physically sleep properly because she was keeping me on the edge of the mattress.
Blogging isn’t helping anymore, it’s why I haven’t been around. I’m not finding it therapeutic and I don’t even want to write about it anymore. The same words ending up on the screen. It’s repetitious and boring. I don’t even want to talk about it to my friends or my family. I’m so bored with myself, surely they must be too.
The sheer exposure. I feel so naked and vulnerable. So I’ve hidden my older posts away from the big bad world. Yet here I am still in the grip of flashbacks and triggers.
I had to cancel my psych appointment for this Tuesday because of work, which I know was a mistake, but what am I supposed to do? I can’t be so unreliable to my manager. So my next appointment is now April 24. That is over a month away. The truth is, I don’t feel the same positivity at the end of the session anymore. It’s not a bad thing, just what is happening. Do I get to the point where even my psych isn’t helping anymore? Is this normal? Am I destined to suffer permanently from the scars of the past? I try so hard to move forward but when my thoughts invade my sleep I can’t escape. I can’t Stop! while I’m sleeping. Only beg my subconscious to wake me up.
I’m tired. I need to sleep. Hopefully tonight.