Even When I’m Sleeping

Documenting another shitty night. I had a really graphic dream. Really graphic. Then I couldn’t sleep properly afterward. Then my daughter climbed into bed with me and I couldn’t physically sleep properly because she was keeping me on the edge of the mattress.

Blogging isn’t helping anymore, it’s why I haven’t been around. I’m not finding it therapeutic and I don’t even want to write about it anymore. The same words ending up on the screen. It’s repetitious and boring. I don’t even want to talk about it to my friends or my family. I’m so bored with myself, surely they must be too.

The sheer exposure. I feel so naked and vulnerable. So I’ve hidden my older posts away from the big bad world. Yet here I am still in the grip of flashbacks and triggers.

I had to cancel my psych appointment for this Tuesday because of work, which I know was a mistake, but what am I supposed to do? I can’t be so unreliable to my manager. So my next appointment is now April 24. That is over a month away. The truth is, I don’t feel the same positivity at the end of the session anymore. It’s not a bad thing, just what is happening. Do I get to the point where even my psych isn’t helping anymore? Is this normal? Am I destined to suffer permanently from the scars of the past? I try so hard to move forward but when my thoughts invade my sleep I can’t escape. I can’t Stop! while I’m sleeping. Only beg my subconscious to wake me up.

I’m tired. I need to sleep. Hopefully tonight.

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4 thoughts on “Even When I’m Sleeping

  1. *hugs* I would continue seeing your psych, because even though it may feel like it’s not currently helping, it may be part of the process, a process (or the benefits of seeing a psych) that you can’t see or understand right now.

    And if it’s still the same feeling months down the track, then reassess the benefits of seeing a psych.

    Lotsa love and hugs. xxx

  2. Needing sleep and being tired is just about the worse thing for my triggers. Everything feels like it’s shit, not working, the psych is suddenly shit and I’m destined to be that ONE PERSON that can’t be helped. It ain’t true of course 😉 Don’t cancel an appointment again and get put on a waiting list to see if you can be seen earlier. And you’re anything but boring. love you. x

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