I Think I’m Breaking Down Again

I’ve been in total denial.

The flashbacks are more frequent. More severe.

I’m anxious.

I’m panicked.

Nobody really knows what it’s like to be in my head.

So I called my Magic Brain Lady and she’s on leave again. I think this will have to be the last time I call on her. So I called my other psychologist. The one I saw the last time my Magic Brain Lady was on leave. I hesitated because last time I wasn’t ready to go where she was taking me. Though, she did encourage me to write my story as a story and that helped substantially.

Even though I decided not to see her again and to continue with the Magic Brain Lady, I’m now however weighing up not having to tell my story again. Retraumatising myself in painstaking detail while a person paid to be empathetic nods and jots dot points down on their notepad about how the client has control and trust issues and is angry and dissociating tendencies even after two years of psychological help, while they’re really thinking about what’s for dinner and whether it’s be sunny on the weekend.

I can’t even pinpoint when it started again. Or what the particular trigger was. I was feeling it a couple of months ago (I wrote about it) but now it’s bad.

I had an actual full blown flashback today where I forgot that I wasn’t back there. Where I was confused and disorientated for a moment and it scared the hell out of me.

I am not in any danger. I am safe. I am not suicidal. I am just scared.

You may have noticed that I’m getting back into my training. I’m trying to obsess over it so I don’t obsess over my brain. The Stop! technique is no longer working.

All alone
on the edge of sleep
my old familiar friend
comes and lies down next to me

Florence + The Machine

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