Today is her 3rd birthday. It’s been a wonderful day, we had so much fun.
However now it’s late at night, The Beast has caught me. I’m back there. Trying desperately to leave. The Beast needs to go. I don’t want him anymore.
I’m stuck in this funk still from yesterday. I’m so angry and so frustrated. I don’t know what to do. I feel depressed, but my depression isn’t organic, it’s reactionary to my trauma and anger that makes me feel sad. This I know and understand. It doesn’t make it any easier though.
I’m sick of making sure other people are ok. I’m sick of trying to minimise my pain for the benefit of others. I keep having flashbacks. They’ve now been constant since last night.
I’m so tired of running. I’m so tired of keeping everything together on the outside, when inside I’m a million pieces. My glue isn’t working anymore. My tough exterior is starting to crack. The tears I’m crying are soaking through all of my tissues and I’m at a loss of how to stop.
I wish yesterday never happened. My psychologist says to minimise my exposure to known triggers. I didn’t see yesterday coming. I didn’t know that I’d be lambasted with that conversation. So do I have to stop associating with my friends now? Cut myself off from the people I like to reduce my exposure?
I’ve already lost so much. I don’t want to lose anymore.
This Beast is a nightmare. One that I can’t wake up from. One that keeps nipping at my heels. One that keeps barking at my door. I want to be strong and fight him off, but he’s so much more powerful than me. He fights me because he wants me left with Nothing.
I’m sharing this post with PANDA for PND awareness week 2012. #bePNDaware